Actions Speak Louder
by HP-fanfic-fan101
Summary: As the saying goes, 'Actions speak louder than words'; however, a child doesn't always understand the actions of the adults around him so Harry's experience with the Dursley's may be different that what actually happened. Here is Petunia's POV, you be the judge.
1. Cooking

**Disclaimer:** The Harry Potter world is not mine and this story isn't to be taken as a canon prologue to the series. Thank you for your understanding.

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**Chapter 1: Cooking**

"Vernon," Petunia started tentatively, "don't you think 5 is a bit young to be cooking?"

"Nonsense Pet, the boy's old enough to feed himself, he's old enough to cook the meals he eats from us; start earning his way. I think I was being lenient not to start him sooner."

Vernon seemed convinced that his decision was justified so Petunia knew she wouldn't be able to change his mind; especially when Harry proved that he had enough hand-eye co-ordination to be able to wash dishes now without breaking them.

Even the previous year when Vernon ordered Harry to begin washing dishes (Petunia lost that argument as well), Harry was careful enough that only a few dishes would slip from his small hands. Petunia would make Harry clean up the broken dishes by himself while she watched. Then she would have him wash his hands and finish washing the dishes while he took even more care not to drop them than he had before. Since Harry was so short he would have to stand on a chair to wash them and he would press himself into the counter so that the dishes remained over the sink.

Petunia never showed it, but she would worry about Harry the entire time he washed; and the only relief she had was that Harry seemed to be quite good at keeping his balance. She knew he would end up with bruises across his chest from supporting himself against the counter that way and she imagined that it couldn't be doing much good to his heart and lungs to have his weight –however small it was– on that single point of contact.

Petunia had tried to bring up her concerns to Vernon but his only solution was to let him have old clothes to use as a pillow. Not for the first time Petunia thought of leaving Vernon but she had no means of employment and without a job she would have no chance of supporting herself or the boys. Her only job was as a secretary to Vernon at Grunnings where they met and _he_ certainly wouldn't give her a good referral, nor would he allow anyone else to give one even if they could.

Vernon wouldn't even allow her to return to work now that the boys were old enough to be at school all day because according to him, it was _'improper'_ for his wife to feel like she _had_ to work. It would make others think that he couldn't support his family and he would lose the respect of everyone at the company and then he could never get a promotion except out of pity which is not how he was willing to get one.

It certainly didn't help that Petunia and Vernon lived in a neighbourhood that shared his views, a neighbourhood far from where any of her friends could visit often so she had no support in anything she wanted that wouldn't be approved of by the neighbouring ladies. Petunia really couldn't stand the neighbours, and the only activity of theirs that she could possibly find useful was eavesdropping, gossiping, and using that information to get the upper hand on others. Pitiful as it was, it was the only power she had for herself anymore.

No one could be trusted and even fewer could be considered friends.

Not even her best, closest, and now only remaining, friend Yvonne could barely stand to be in that neighbourhood for too long and she only made the effort because she cared about Petunia as if the two were family. Petunia looked at Vernon still waiting for her to accept his latest demand; considering her record with 'family' maybe she shouldn't let Yvonne visit anymore. As painful as it would be to let go of yet another person she cared about, it would be better for Yvonne to stay away before the gossip in the neighbourhood about her got worse.

As it is, Petunia couldn't defend Yvonne's reputation without damaging her own which of course meant damaging Vernon's and he was suspicious of anything resembling betrayal. Petunia decided to call Yvonne that night to warn her against returning; she could always tell Vernon that Yvonne stays away because of Harry. Hopefully that wouldn't give him a reason to dislike Harry more but, -now she had a headache. This is why it's better not to care about anyone.

Harry would be better off to learn that too. Lily's trusting and caring demeanour won't help his survive here and will get him _killed_ in the Wizarding world like it got Lily killed. This may not be the ideal environment to raise an emotionally-healthy child but at least it would prepare Harry to realise that people (Magical or Muggle) only want you for as long as you're useful to them.

"Okay," Petunia acquiesced both to Vernon's demand and to what she realised was the decision she had made about how she will raise her nephew. She reaffirmed her decision with a small nod because she could already feel like she wouldn't be able to do it. How ironic that Auntie Eileen thought she could escape Slytherin behaviour by living amongst Muggles.

Petunia's days of visiting the woman to keep her company while Severus was at school, had toughened her to a life of unhappiness for the sake of a hopefully better life for the child. Petunia had learned how to lock away her true emotions behind a mask caused by her acceptance to her fate by watching how Eileen did the same every day until she died.

"Excellent!" Vernon exclaimed before giving her a kiss and leaving for work.

That afternoon Petunia and Harry were making dinner together while Dudley played outside with his friends. Despite her earlier decision to be harsher with him, she had given Harry the simpler tasks to start his adjustment to his newest responsibility.

He was doing well. He was clearly concentrating as he worked; making precise movements just like he had when he first started washing dishes and didn't feel confident in his ability to do his task properly. Petunia felt both proud and sad for her nephew but checked herself to ensure that her face showed no emotion, especially when he looked at her for approval. _'So much like Lily used to all those years ago. Before she sought approval from her teachers, then classmates, then Snape and the rest of the magical world'_ Petunia stopped that train of thought before she got annoyed with her (late) sister and focused in the present.

She had to think of a way to let Harry know he was working correctly without encouraging him. She didn't think she would be able to handle seeing how happy such a small thing like a smile or nod would make him. She especially wouldn't be able to handle her emotions if his eyes seemed to sparkle like Lily's did when she used to smile at Petunia.

'_Of course that was before Snape became her best friend and _he_ started to receive those sparkly-eyed smiles while all I got were her disappointed looks as if she couldn't understand why I couldn't get along with the guy who was stealing _my_ baby sister off to a world where I wouldn't be able to protect her. –Petunia, breathe…'_ she said the last part in an effort to regain control of her emotions. Unfortunately Harry was still looking at her _that_ way.

She knew he couldn't help it, that he didn't know what that look was doing to her but Petunia couldn't stop herself from thinking how she just _knew_ Harry would give her one of Lily's disappointed looks if Petunia was ever to show Harry kindness when they were alone then forced to be cruel when they were in front of others. It was better for Harry not to become attached to her.

Petunia was spared having to make any response to Harry when her son barreled into the kitchen. Upon seeing Petunia and Harry possibly bonding while they cooked together, Dudley became jealous and pushed Harry down from the chair he had been standing on.

Petunia understood jealously; she had lived with it every day of her life ever since her parents found out Lily could do magic. Suddenly everything became about Lily; protecting her, comforting her, hiding her differences without making her feel like she should be ashamed of those differences, and overall trying to help her understand what they themselves couldn't.

They were relieved the day Lily told them she made a friend who knew all about magic and was teaching her; yet still, so much of their conversation centered around Lily until the point Petunia started to wonder if her parents remembered that they had _two_ daughters and that they _both_ needed their parents attention. Petunia was only a few years older than Lily and yet it seemed like her parents took her for granted because she was _normal_.

It often made Petunia wish that she wasn't normal, (not necessarily a witch, she didn't know how she felt about that at the time) but something to get her parents to love her as equally as they loved Lily. Because back then she didn't feel loved anymore, even if some part of her knew that she was. She hated that feeling, she hated that she thought that way, but most of all she hated herself for not being special enough –not good enough– for her parents. She _never_ wanted Dudley to feel that way no matter what the circumstances were so she didn't (and wouldn't) reprimand _him_.

"Stop snivelling, go wash your hands, and get back here; you're not done yet." She ordered as Harry stood up, brushed himself (and what had to be a sore bum), and went to do as he was told. By the time Harry returned he wasn't crying but his eyes were red, watery, and he was sniffling occasionally.

Harry had just returned to his task (now on the opposite side from Dudley) when Vernon entered the kitchen to the sight of his son, wife, and nephew (thankfully only by marriage) working peacefully together. "Dudley! Stop that this instant and get out of the kitchen! Cooking is women's work!"

"But Harry's cooking and he's not a woman!" Dudley protested.

Vernon took one look at Harry who was still sniffling despite his efforts to suppress it. "Might as well be" Vernon huffed, leaving the kitchen and taking Dudley with him to watch the telly while Harry and Petunia finished.

Petunia closed off her feelings about the statement and continued to work in silence. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Harry doing the same as best as any 5 year old could.

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**1793 words**

**AN:** This is my fanfiction so I took the liberty of designing Petunia's personality and relationships with others the way I want. I'm a big sister too and my relationship with my family isn't close even though it should seem ideal so I have a different way of interpreting Petunia's character. I may need motivation to keep up the quality of her introspective moments.


	2. Cupboard

**Author's Note:** To **ShinigamiRae**, it's funny that you asked if one day I'll add more chapters because just moments before reading that review I had thought of 2 more chapters; this one –bumping the previously designated chapter 2 to be chapter 3– and another –which so far is still chapter 4. So yes I'll add more chapters, thank you for your interest. :) **Blazestar of Shadowclan**, thank you for your eagerness, I hope this chapter deserves it.

I intend to post a new chapter every 2 weeks to give me time to write the next chapter/s.

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**Chapter 2: Cupboard**

"Lunatics! The bloody lot of them!" Vernon stormed as he entered the house passing Petunia who closed the door behind him and quickly checked though the window for anyone listening. Thankfully only Mrs. Figg seemed to have noticed Vernon's mood since she was looking at the house entirely too long for Petunia's liking. It was a good thing Petunia was able hear when Vernon had slammed the car door so she could get the front door open and him inside before Vernon started shouting. She glared at Mrs. Figg until the woman seemed to get the message and continued her walk down the street. Petunia didn't trust that woman or her interest in babysitting the boys; she was perfectly capable of watching them herself.

Petunia watched Mrs. Figg until the other woman was completely out of sight and once she was certain the woman wouldn't be coming back and no one else was watching she turned her attention to Vernon who seemed to be at the end of his rant. "… I'm Junior bloody Executive for crying out loud, of course I'm going to be harsh with those namby-pamby slackers. Thinks just because they got some degree from some school I've never heard of, the world owes them whatever they want while they sit on their duffers chattering away about …about NONSENSE!" He emphatically slammed his fist against the wall causing the nearest photograph – a family portrait shortly after Dudley was born – to quiver.

"I tell you Petunia, people like them should be offed just like that boy and his parents. Too much alike if you ask me. You can be sure Dudley won't be like that when he's working there. My boy knows the meaning of hard work and he'll show more respect for all that working at Grunnings provides, not gossip all day like a school child. My boy doesn't do that now! Unlike you…" Vernon rounded on Harry who showed up at some point during Vernon's rant. "What do you want you little runt?"

"What did you say about my parents?" Harry asked urgently. Petunia shook her head in exasperation. Really the boy should know better. It doesn't matter if Vernon's tongue is looser when he's angry; finding out the answers to any of his questions isn't worth whatever Vernon might do in his current state of mind. Petunia walked closer to the two just in case things got out of hand.

"What did I say…?" Vernon paused seemingly unaware that he had mentioned Harry's parents at all. "What's the matter with you boy? Eavesdropping on other people's conversations are you now?"

"I heard you from the other side of the house," Harry muttered to himself.

"What was that?" Vernon advanced on Harry but Petunia had stepped just enough in his way that although he could see Harry clearly, he would have to walk around Petunia if he didn't want to knock her over on his way to reach the boy. "Well boy? If you have something to say then, SPEAK UP!"

Harry looked terrified; his wide eyes roving between Vernon's violently purple face and the back of Petunia's rigid body, before he spoke. "I-I-I w-want t-to know what you said about my parents" he stuttered. "Please" he added, hoping that by being polite he might keep his uncle from thinking he was being rude.

"You'll know what I want you to know! No more, you hear me boy!"

"Yes, yes sir" Harry nodded his head wildly as he stuttered his response.

"Good now get out!" Vernon shouted and Harry nearly tripped over himself to comply. Petunia let out the breath she was inadvertently holding; perhaps this would be the end of it for tonight. Petunia gave a smile to Vernon hoping that he would have calmed down only to notice that he was still glaring at where the boy left.

"Boy!" He shouted. Petunia couldn't suppress her groan though Vernon didn't notice as he walked around her to where he had last seen the boy. It seems like he wasn't done after all.

Harry was before him almost instantly and looking like he was about to be sent to his grave. "You want to know about your parents?" Vernon started maliciously. Harry still looked like he wanted to run away cautiously nodded instead. "Well do you?" He barked, delighting in making Harry flinch. Petunia hardly managed to suppress her own.

"Yes please…sir!" Harry squeaked. Vernon's grin was downright chilling.

"They were a pair of good-for-nothing layabouts leaching off of other people's hard-earned money while doing nothing but put more of a strain on the economy by having a worthless brat like you! Only good thing they managed to do was die; just a pity they couldn't finish the job seeing as you're here with us instead of dead with them. The world is better off without any of you!"

"You're lying!" Harry cried.

"Am I? I know more about your parents than you do!" Vernon crowed.

"You don't! You don't know anything!" Harry shouted as angry hot tears swelled his eyes, trickling down his cheeks when he blinked. "My parents were great people, I know it!" Harry pleaded.

"Is that so…" Vernon growled.

"Enough, both of you!" Petunia finally exclaimed. Obviously this wasn't going to be one of those times Vernon shouts himself calmer, so Petunia would have to intervene even though it means he'll be unpleasant longer. "Harry, go to the cupboard under the stairs and stay there until I tell you to leave."

"What! But-" he tried to protest.

"Now Harry!" Petunia ordered and glared at him so fiercely Harry didn't try to object again before doing as he was told.

"You'll be lucky if I don't bolt the door!" Vernon hollered after him, still furious.

"Vernon" Petunia hissed. "Vernon," she tried again this time in a calmer tone. "You've had a bad day, absolutely horrible; you have every right to be angry with those people at work." Petunia placed one of her hands on his arm and began to rub soothing circles up to his shoulders while the other hand held his and pulled it closer to her. When Vernon didn't resist or move away she continued to speak.

"Those people, you only have to worry about them when you're at work. You're at _home_ now. Don't let them ruin your evening like they did your day. Picking a fight with the boy is telling them that they've done that. That they've gotten to you, their superior, and therefore someone they would want to undermine any way they can. You're not going to prove that they've beaten you are you? Just leave all thoughts of them outside this home and relax. You deserve at least a few hours free from thinking about them. How about I make you some tea?"

Petunia smiled at him, it did seem like he may have calmed down a bit; at least his face was a normal colour now. Vernon only grunted in response but let her lead him to the kitchen. As he passed by the cupboard door he snarled, "What are we going to do about the boy. He can't get away with being disrespectful like that. The boy needs to learn his place around here."

Petunia thought quickly, "He will dear," she reassured him, "we'll let him stay in there for a while and without dinner. That will humble him. And," she added hoping this will satisfy his desire for vengeance tonight, "if we leave him there overnight you won't have to be disturbed. Aren't you always complaining that his nightmares interrupt your sleep too much for you to focus?"

"Too true, Pet," he affirmed, "We should leave him in there every night." He sneered at the door even as he was no longer able to keep it in view.

"That's something we can discuss at a later time." She told him and led him to sit while she served him his dinner. She let him know that she was going to get Dudley before heading upstairs to find him playing a video game. His headphones were emitting sound loud enough that she could hear what he was listening to though she was at the door.

Petunia worried that he may have been trying to tune out what had been happening downstairs and how these fights were affecting him. She resolved to get him that new game he had told her about the previous week. New presents always seemed to keep him happy. Petunia walked up to Dudley slowly so as not to startle him and gently placed a hand on his shoulder to gain his attention.

Dudley shrugged her hand off his shoulder after looking up to see who had touched him before he went back to his game. "Can't I just finish this level Mum?" he asked, still without taking his eyes off the screen.

"Of course Diddums, but do hurry, I don't know how long you're father is willing to wait." Three and a half tense (at least in Petunia's opinion) minutes later, Dudley put down the game and they went down to where Vernon was impatiently tapping his fork against the table.

"Well hurry up; some people have other things to do than wait around for when their family decides to show up for a meal together."

This was one of the occasions where Petunia wished sometimes Vernon wasn't so adamant about things like eating together as a family. It was supposed to be a bonding time and one of the things Petunia loved about Vernon was how important family was to him. It made her feel secure that she wouldn't be tossed aside just because something better may be nearby.

She felt lucky and so grateful that he welcomed her into his family with open arms even after finding out about her sister and meeting both her sister and her sister's husband. She was thankful every morning she woke up to see him still beside her, especially since they had to start taking care of Harry.

One of Petunia's biggest fears was that one day he would be fed up with her, Harry, or the both of them and kick the both of them out while keeping Dudley to himself. She was glad his strong family values meant that it would take a lot before he would be willing to abandon her, though she didn't know where his threshold was.

However, no matter how appreciative she was for Vernon and his values, at moments like these, she wished that Vernon was lax enough to have him eat on his own when he was in such a foul mood. They were sitting together in an atmosphere so tense that Dudley wouldn't raise his head from his food and he knows better than to ask about Harry when no one else has brought up the subject first.

After dinner Dudley ran back to his game, Petunia cleaned up the dishes, while Vernon went off to relax in his chair in the den. Once Vernon had gone to bed, Petunia left the idling she was now doing in the kitchen to speak to Harry. She couldn't hear anything coming from the cupboard and for the moment panicked thinking Harry had left.

"Can I come out now?" He asked her timidly once she opened the cupboard door. A relieved Petunia crouched so she could be at eye level with her nephew.

"No Harry," she said softly, "you have to stay here all night tonight. You're being punished."

"But why...?" he whined, "I didn't do anything."

"Who was the one arguing with Vernon then?" she asked rhetorically. Petunia raised a finger to stop his impending protest. "No asking questions Harry, that's the rule; and definitely no arguing with your elders."

"He was mean to Mummy and Daddy." Harry was now sulking with his head turned away from Petunia to rest on his knees while his arms wrapped around himself.

"Of course he was mean; he doesn't like you, he doesn't like your parents, and he's had a bad day. Where in all that did you think it would be a good idea to start demanding information about your parents?" Her voice hardened, "You really should know better. You're to stay in here all night; be grateful it's not something worse. In the mood Vernon's in after today, if he were to catch you trying to sneak out..." she shook her head and got up leaving the unspoken threat hanging for Harry to fill in with whatever horrors his young mind could think up.

"Aunt Petunia?" Petunia turned her head to the little boy now standing up and looking at the bare space around him. "Um..." he fidgeted before bashfully looking up at her, "what if I have to use the loo?"

"Come, you'll use it now so there will be no disruptions later." Petunia grasped his outstretched hand and left him in the loo, closing the door behind him. She then walked to the smallest bedroom where Harry usually sleeps and grabbed his blanket and pillow.

It wasn't hard for her to figure out that was what Harry was really asking after, though with the 'no questions' rule supposedly in effect Harry had too difficult a time trying to figure out a way to ask that wasn't in the form of a question. So clearly he tried something else.

"Petunia, when are you coming to bed?" Vernon grumbled as he spotted her passing by the door.

"In a minute Vernon, I just had to get a blanket for Harry."

"Just let him sleep on the floor. Come to bed."

"He's already sleeping in a cupboard and missed dinner, not giving him something to sleep on would just be unreasonably cruel. We're not going to be child abusers Vernon, what would people think if something like that were to be discovered?"

"Fine" He muttered, turning away from the door and wrapping his blanket more firmly around himself. Petunia closed their bedroom door and returned to the bathroom where Harry was now washing his hands. The mention of Harry's skipped dinner reminded her that she hadn't given him anything to eat yet.

She meant it when she told her husband that they weren't going to abuse Harry. He couldn't have dinner but that didn't mean he couldn't have anything at all to eat. "Here, this is the only thing you're getting to eat tonight." She gave Harry a buttered dinner roll that she took for Harry while she waited for Vernon to go to bed.

"Now brush your teeth, it is time for bed." She instructed once he finished the roll and she waited by the door while he followed her other instruction.

"I don't get a mattress?" Harry inquired as he spotted what Petunia was carrying as they walked back to the cupboard.

"Maybe next time," she told him stiffly.

"Next time!" Harry exclaimed alarmed by the idea that he would have to spend any more time in that dark, dusty room. He was certain he could feel something moving in there which was why he was too afraid to move or make a sound while he was in there earlier.

"Yes next time" she repeated annoyed by his loud outburst. Vernon wasn't yet asleep; she had been listening for his snores. If Harry's outburst caused Vernon to come downstairs, there would be a yelling match all over again; and that would lead Vernon into thinking that Harry's current punishment wasn't suitable enough to teach Harry his lesson. Petunia was going to have to impress upon Harry just how serious this matter was.

"This will be how you are punished from now on. So unless you enjoy being alone with the spiders, I suggest you think about the consequences of your actions _before_ you decide to argue with your uncle, _regardless of the reason_." She stressed, noticing that he still looked like he wanted to defend his parents.

"Yes Aunt Petunia," he responded quietly as he accepted the beddings and walked into the cupboard without needing to be told. Petunia felt guilty looking at the despondent behaviour of the little boy.

"Pretend you're in a cave or something..." she murmured quietly as she closed the door. She wasn't sure whether or not he heard her or if he did, whether he would take her advice to try to make this experience less disconcerting.

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**2737 words**


	3. Gardening

**Author's Notes 1:** **ShinigamiRae** I intend to write only until Harry goes to Hogwarts. As both you and **Blazestar of Shadowclan** mentioned, so many stories have the Durselys blatantly abusing Harry when I was always under the impression that they would never do something that couldn't be reasonably explained to others as a somewhat stricter style of parenting. It was because of all those "Abusive!Durselys" stories that I felt compelled to write something to show how Harry's time with the Durselys would have been miserable without Harry being at risk of not surviving until his 11th birthday.

I don't personally know the effects of being raised in a verbally, physically, and/or sexually abusive home but from the start of the series, I don't believe Harry's behaviour reflects that of someone who gets beaten-until-something-bruises-or-breaks, anytime he says something the Durselys don't like. I'm not trying to say that the Durselys are wonderful people; I'm just trying to show a way Harry could have been raised that's different from the popular "extremely abusive" idea.

Thank you both for your comments; it was time that I addressed the purpose of this story. Also, thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, favourited, or followed this story; I hope I can continue to make this story an enjoyable read. **urcool91** welcome to my stories; I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy your 'Voldemort...: Rebirth' story.

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**Chapter 3: Gardening**

"Uncle Vernon, can't I finish later when it's cooler? Please?"

Normally 6 year old Harry wouldn't dare ask his uncle for anything that would make his chores easier, but he was so hot, sweaty, and thirsty. He also wasn't feeling too well; like he had a headache or he was dizzy – he wasn't sure. All he was sure about was that however he was feeling was making it too hard to focus on the gardening that he's been doing since the sun was just above the neighbours' houses.

It was now almost directly overhead and had been for a long time.

Harry felt like his uncle had purposely chosen the hottest day in the year for him to weed and prune the entire yard. What was worst was that because it was a weekend, Uncle Vernon was at home watching him at random moments in between whatever he was doing. For Harry this meant that he couldn't even risk a drink from the hose like he did when Petunia wasn't looking (which was quite often with all the eavesdropping on the neighbours that she did).

"If you stopped whining so much you could have been done by now. Quit being a lazy bum and get back to work before we lose any more sunlight!" Vernon then tilted his head in the general direction of the kitchen so he wouldn't miss what he was watching from the comfort of his chair beside the fan. "Petunia can't you control your nephew?"

Since Vernon wasn't looking at her, Petunia took the liberty of glaring at her husband. It really was a hot day. At least she would have let Harry work on the opposite side of the house from the sun instead of directly under it no matter where it was positioned. The way he emphasized the 'your nephew' instead of saying 'the boy' as he usually did, made it seem like he was blaming her for whatever he perceived was wrong with the boy when really she knew that he was still seething at being passed over for a promotion.

Frustrated with Vernon's attitude, she hid in her hand an extra Cornish pasty from the lunch she was making for Dudley, before she headed outside. Stopping at the door, she paused to address Vernon who should finally be calm enough to reason with now that he's seen someone suffering. "I'll watch the boy to make sure he doesn't ruin anything, I'm just going to get Dudley his lunch first. Don't worry yourself about them."

The only acknowledgement she got from Vernon was a grunt so she left. She made sure to pass Harry as she went toward where Dudley was and dropped the pasty next to him as she did. Dudley and his friends were playing in a nearby park where sprinklers had been put out so the children could play in them.

As Petunia walked toward the park she had to remind herself why she was still married. She knew that she loved Vernon and would never leave him, and that the feeling wasn't because she didn't know of any other options available. _'He is a good father and cares deeply about his son. He has a good relationship with his family; he stays in contact with his sister.'_

Marge wasthe only family Vernon has left as both his parents died of high blood pressure induced heart attacks. It happened before Dudley was born so Petunia always encouraged Dudley to express his anger in the hope that by not bottling those feelings would allow him to live a long life. Petunia wondered if that was the right decision (maybe her logic was flawed). She took solace in that Vernon agreed that it was the right decision. Petunia returned her thoughts to her list.

'_He works hard to provide for his family, even though the work is thankless and he is not always pleased with us...'_ She thought of Dudley's latest low grade and Harry's remarkably high one. Naturally Vernon came to the conclusion that Harry had cheated and the course was unreasonably hard. Petunia had to contact the school and promise to work with Dudley to improve his grades before Vernon calmed down.

'_He is ambitious; always trying to reach the next promotion no matter how frustrating it gets. He persists despite how many times he's set back. He doesn't accept anything less than ones best-.' 'Except with Harry...'_ a traitorous thought reminded her.

'_He is reliable, trustworthy, and faithful;'_ she continued forcefully to combat any negative feelings towards her husband that might try to creep in. _'Never once have I heard a rumour that he was cheating on me with someone else. The neighbours would know and talk if he was.'_ That he may find and desert her for someone else who comes from a normal family was a fear she had in the earlier years of their relationship and was the reason she tried to keep him happy with her. That she had finally managed to push the fear to occupy only the farthest part of her mind didn't stop her from checking her behaviour to make sure she wasn't overstepping her place as a wife and mother.

'_He is a good husband; always showing me how much he loves me and wants me to be happy. He cares about me, probably more than anyone else ever had.'_ She adamantly refused to consider Lily in that category for how could someone continue to care about her with the way Petunia treated her.

No; any caring Lily showed was just to prove to everyone that Lily was the better sister. Show how _self-sacrificing_ she is to continue to try to bond with Petunia when the latter had made it clear to the former that she wanted nothing to do with her (or her new family). She had said as much in the reply letter to the announcement of Harry's birth. Once she had ripped it and tossed it in the rubbish that is.

Lily likely only sent it to her because it was the 'proper thing' to do, and Lily was all about the 'proper thing'. Petunia was too, though the two women's definition of the 'proper thing' was vastly different. Petunia often wondered if she should have expected that Harry would one day have to live with her for a period of time as some kind of punishment if that letter made Lily cry. Petunia wasn't sure if that was her intent in writing the letter; she just wanted to make it clear to her sister that Lily hadn't won even a bit of her affection which she thought would be what Lily assumed if Petunia just refused to respond.

Petunia wouldn't be bothered if she did make Lily cry since she knew that would be a possible outcome. When Petunia hurts someone it's because she intends to hurt that person not because she's too incompetent to understand her own feelings and just needs someone like Lily to be there for her until she's ready to admit that everything she's ever done was wrong. That would be horrifying and she bet Lily would love it (even if she was dead now). After all, Lily loved to prove that she was the better sister.

Petunia didn't want Dudley to be part of the competition that comes with having a sibling. That was one of the reasons why she didn't want more children. The other was that she feared that her second child would be Magical just like her parents second child was Magical whereas their and her first were normal (Muggle as Lily called it).

'_Vernon's a good father but a lousy uncle;'_ she thought worriedly, _'I don't know what we'd do if we had a child like Harry. I don't know if Vernon loves his family enough to tolerate being the father of that kind of child; and he's going to blame me if we had a child that turned out _that way_. Undoubtedly it could only come from somewhere on my side of the family; Vernon's is so peacefully normal.'_

Petunia worried her bottom lip before looking toward where her (normal, persistent, ambitious just like his father, _normal_) son was playfully pushing down other kids –many of them smaller than himself, although he stood his ground for awhile against the occasional bigger children– to get more time under the spray of water. _'Vernon would be pleased to know Dudley was already showing such strong leadership qualities'_ she breathed out a sigh of relief.

Petunia silently observed Dudley and the other children playing and getting muddier until her mind started to stray to thoughts of giving them all a bath. Obviously that wouldn't be considered acceptable behaviour so she reigned in her compulsive need to clean so that it was limited to the two children she wouldn't get in trouble for cleaning.

Not that she bathed Harry anymore. At six Dudley still had trouble getting everywhere clean, so he preferred Petunia clean him to her satisfaction rather than have to take multiple baths depending on the number of times he failed her post-bath inspection. Harry, on the other hand, used to cry whenever she bathed him. Eventually it grated on her nerves to the point that she let him bathe himself from the moment she thought he was able.

Petunia couldn't understand it, she bathed Harry the same way she bathed Dudley yet Dudley never so much as whimpered. She bathed Harry the same way as he bathed himself (from what she observed), so why it was that he wasn't upset when he bathed himself? _'Have I been bathing the boys too roughly and for whatever reason Dudley never felt like he could complain? What kind of mother am I if I've never noticed that I was hurting my baby? What if Vernon was right about Dudley knowing that real men never cry?'_

Petunia sat down at the implication that she has been unwittingly hurting her loved ones for years (Dudley's lunch now rested on her lap.) Her mind was instantly plunged back into a long-forgotten-but-recently-remembered-and-recurring memory.

_Petunia had been five years old and so eager to help Mummy with her baby sister. Although she had been allowed to help feed Lily, and would give her Mummy the wipes, powder, and clean nappies when Mummy changed Lily, Mummy had yet to allow her to bathe Lily. It didn't look very hard; she had seen Mummy do it hundreds of times, but every time she asked Mummy told her to wait until she was older._

_Petunia didn't like that answer but she didn't argue; she just waited like Mummy said even though Petunia was sure that by the time Mummy thought she was old enough to bathe her, Lily would be able to bathe herself._

_Then one day Mummy got sick. She told Petunia that she was okay but Petunia could tell that she was having more trouble doing everything as the day progressed. Eventually, Mummy put Lily down for a nap and told Petunia that the two of them should also nap. Mummy fell asleep right away but Petunia couldn't; she wasn't sleepy._

_Lily must not have been either because she woke up soon after Mummy fell asleep. Petunia knew that Mummy was too sick to take care of Lily and that Mummy needed her sleep. Also, Petunia thought that if she was able to take care of Lily all by herself while Mummy slept, then Mummy would believe her when she told her that she was old enough to bathe Lily._

_Everything started off okay; Lily just wasn't sleepy so Petunia played with her until they got hungry. Petunia then made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the both of them. Unfortunately, Lily got the food all over herself and her clothes. Petunia gingerly took Lily by her arm to avoid Lily's sticky hands and lead her to the bathroom where Mummy kept the baby wipes._

_Lily saw the bathtub and started pointing to it while saying "bath"._

"_Yes Lily that's for baths but you're just going to get a wipe." Petunia told her as she started to turn to look at the shelf with the wipes._

_Lily scrunched up her tiny face in confusion and pointed again "bath"._

"_No bath for you, I'm not allowed." Petunia now had her back to Lily so that she could grab the wipes before Lily could distract her again._

"_Tuney...messy" she heard Lily say. Confused – since Petunia knew she wasn't being messy – Petunia turned around to see Lily leaving peanut butter and jelly handprints on the wall, giggling after each one lain._

"_Lily what are you doing!" Petunia shrieked. "You can't leave a mess on the wall! Mummy's going to be so mad at—". Petunia froze mid-scolding because she suddenly realised who her Mummy would really be mad at. _'Lily's just a baby Tuney, she doesn't know any better'_ Petunia remembered her Mummy telling her anytime Petunia became mad at Lily for making a mess. _'We just have to get her cleaned up'_ then Mummy would pick up Lily and give her a bath, telling Lily how messy babies like her have to get a bath._

"_Messy, ...bath?" Lily questioned. Petunia looked at Lily and made her decision before she could consider any consequences or other options._

"_Yes bath" she told Lily putting Lily in the big tub and taking off Lily's clothes. Petunia then turned on the water and went to get Lily's bathing stuff. Petunia wasn't far from the bathroom before she heard Lily screaming. Petunia was just about to turn around when their mother, awoken by all the noise, raced into the bathroom ahead of her._

Adult Petunia held herself tighter for the next part of the memory though logically, she knew she shouldn't still be afraid: _Mummy was so angry at her. Petunia had never seen her Mummy look or yell at her like that. Petunia didn't even know what she did wrong or why Lily was crying so much._

_Petunia tried to listen to what her Mummy was saying she did wrong, but Petunia didn't know what 'scalding' or 'skull fracture' meant. She knew what burns were – it was why she couldn't touch the stove – so she sort of understood that she must have burned Lily even though they didn't touch a stove all day._

_She didn't know why Mummy was yelling at her about Lily falling, Petunia was only gone for a second; she had still been close enough to the door that she would have heard if Lily fell. The only thing Petunia understood from that part of what her Mummy was screaming was that Petunia should have put Lily in the baby tub first and never, ever leave Lily alone while she was being bathed._

_Mummy didn't stop screaming until she was on the phone with Daddy at work. Then until Daddy got home Mummy was walking around the house trying to calm Lily and either talking to or yelling at herself while ignoring Petunia. Or she was just too angry to talk to Petunia loud enough for her to hear without yelling at her again. Petunia didn't know._

_It didn't get any better when Daddy got home. Mummy left right away with Lily (after Daddy gave her his car keys) and Daddy was telling Petunia all the reasons she was wrong for trying to give Lily a bath while he cleaned the mess they had left in the kitchen. Petunia wasn't trying to be bad, she tried to explain to Daddy what happened but he wouldn't listen. He only told Petunia to stay in her room and think about what he had said about being too little to give baths. It wasn't fair; she was only trying to help and Mummy was too sick for Petunia to go to wake her up anyway._

_Petunia still didn't understand what happened only that she must've almost killed her baby sister. When Mummy and Lily came back, Mummy told Daddy that they had to put special cream on Lily for several days. Petunia didn't go near Lily again and she never tried to help Mummy or Daddy with Lily either. Mummy and Daddy didn't mind; Petunia thought that they may have been glad that she didn't try to help anymore._

_Though her parents told her that they forgave her for her mistake, Petunia wasn't able to believe them or forgive herself._ Petunia must have promised herself that she would be more careful with Lily and do a better job to make sure that Lily never got hurt again because years after that memory had faded – or had been repressed – Petunia had still felt the need to keep Lily safe and protected.

Petunia was able to pause her thoughts long enough to give Dudley his lunch and say goodbye before heading home and resume her thinking. It had been Harry's screaming during his baths when she used to bathe him that brought the memory back. Petunia found that she still had trouble understanding her feelings on the matter even though she was old enough to understand both her and her parents reasoning.

She had talked to Vernon about it once; he told her that it was probably an ingrained thing among their kind to fear water because of the witch trials before the 18th century. That fear of water should have been her and her parents' first clue as to what Harry and Lily (respectively) were.

Petunia supposed that it made sense; she knew their kind had some kind of cleaning spell. Maybe her sister's kind had a different way of getting clean. She had never talked to her about what it really meant for Lily to be what she was beyond that she would be going to a special school to learn freaky things. Now Petunia wished that she had talked to her, if only to better understand how she should be raising Harry.

By the time she returned to her yard, there was no sign of the food she dropped and there was a dirty smudge across Harry's face as if he wiped something wet from his mouth. Harry was still working in the garden so it could be passed off as sweat but he looked slightly better; though it was also clear that he was still tired.

Petunia permitted herself to smile at Harry while he faced away from her, for how well he was pretending that he didn't manage to eat and drink while no one was watching. She wouldn't have to worry about him letting himself waste away too much as long as he was clever enough to sneak about without getting caught. In her opinion, it would be a useful skill for him to have throughout his life.

She stood above him too oversee his work while also have herself at an angle so that she was in the path of the sun. This way she could relax her face from all the emotions she must have been showing earlier since the only person who might be able to see her face would be Harry and to do that he would have to look up into the brightness of the sun. Also at this angle she could provide a bit of shade for Harry in the form of her shadow while she endured the intensity of the sun.

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**3240 words**

**Author's Note 2:** And to think this chapter pre-introspective moment was originally about half the size of the first chapter pre-introspective moment. I love the introspective moments and I hope you liked this one; (even if I had to cut an additional memory because this chapter was long enough and that memory would just be excessive here. I'm hoping I can find a way to work it into a different chapter though, it involved manipulative kid! Lily and brave kid! Snape).


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